I used to imagine my life growing up to be something like a hollywood party. Like I'd just be casually lounging at home in some boujee cocktail dress or silk robe, sipping a glass of pinot noir because that's what I summed adulthood up to. I thought I'd be successful, or at least comfortable, I never would have guessed that I would be zipping myself into zero-degree nap sacks in thermal long johns, pouring over a little french press from a homemade coffee mug.
life isn't what I expected it to be.
I worked so hard to overcome being the little mud-pie tomboy and transform into a high fashion trophy girlfriend, and in moving to the, "Big City," that was supposed to help me become some sort of pinterest blogger, I found love in being a little grungy dirtbag. It's funny how life works like that, you know?
I probably needed help for eating disorders, just never was diagnosed or treated, but looking back, there were so many days that I was surviving off a 500 calorie diet, and STILL feeling like I was too fat to wear midriff baring blouses. My, at the time, boyfriend was discouraging me from working out because, "Muscle women are disgusting," while he was not-so-secretly sleeping with a different girl every day, and co-workers all trying to cram into nothing more than a size 2 dress...i literally was living in the devil wears prada. boys flirted, and girls hated me, and i had finally become the hot chick after being the weirdo all throughout the socially developmental years of life.
boys from high school, who wouldn't give me a second look back then, were messaging me how much I had blossomed. and in the cruel part of my brain, which was very judgmental and haughty back then, loved to shut them down. i enjoyed that they were no longer in great shape, or the cool kids in school, that the real world had really kicked them in the ass.
but then the world kicked me in the ass.
my boyfriend didn't stop cheating, and our plans to move to california and be the socialite couple fell apart. i shamefully moved to my tiny little hometown for the summer, and spent my all day trying to get rid of weeds and stickers in the yard because i needed to be useful somewhere. i had no idea where to go, what to do, i had no plan b. i cried every night, i had no job, my only friend was hours away, and i couldn't even get a garden to grow. how do you fix a broken spirit?
three simple steps:
1. sweet tea
every night that summer my grandmother would sit out on the patio with me and we would talk about anything but problems over a glass of freshly brewed sweet tea. it helped, when i stopped acknowledging the problems, they stopped existing. i stopped worrying about getting fat and started eating, i stopped being afraid of being alone and moved to a town not so far from my best friend, and i stopped feeling sorry for myself and didn't cry anymore.
i had so much free time at first, not knowing anyone and not going out with friends all the time, you find that you get a lot done. i began crafting, making home decor, jewelry, i began climbing and really doing yoga. i learned so much about the things that i wanted and enjoyed instead of just settling for what everyone else wanted. i became super involved at church, and created habits of praying throughout the day, doing a verse reading for my morning meditation. i stopped dreaming of who i wanted to be, and started living it.
i didn't just get it right my first try after starting over, i tried a few social groups before finding my niche, climbing certainly wasn't my first active hobby, and i failed at a few career choices...still am in that chapter, and i'm not really sure that i am where i'll end up yet, but i know i'm on the path. god doesn't give us just one road, we can't just tell the tale of the road less traveled, he makes you take it one way or another because on that path not only do you find him, but in finding him, you find you. or, you know, whatever higher power you believe in or scientific reasoning of chances and fate that keeps you in the good vibe tribe.
you absolutely must fail at something in life, because i believe that you cannot find the buried treasures in your own heart until you've hit the bottom. if you're just skimming the surfaces you're missing so much of yourself that you may never even have dreamed possible, you have to keep digging, keep learning, keep discovering.